Johnny We Hardly Knew Ye

Johnny We Hardly Knew Ye

Noel Laflin

12-31-14

I lost two good friends this year - both, ironically enough, named John. Their individual passings, not to mention the combined effect of this cruel double whammy within a brief four-month period, has been tough to fathom. They are both on my mind today, this last day of the year. And although I am many thousands of miles from my home, I feel them close at hand. And that does bring me some comfort indeed. 

As it is New Year's Eve, I shall raise a double toast tonight - and then drink deep to their individual memories.

And thank them both for finding me an ocean away. 

Solstice Cheer

Solstice Cheer

Noel Laflin

December 21, 2014

I learned the secret to a great solstice punch way back in the summer of 1978.  And I've been making it in my kitchen - twice a season - ever since.

The basic ingredients call for apple cider, white grape juice, cinnamon sticks, orange slices, apple slices, allspice and golden raisins - lots and lots of raisins.  You just throw all of the above into a large kettle, set the heat on low and let that baby simmer away. If need be you can also throw all of those ingredients into a large coffee maker - you know - the kind that serves fifty cups. Just plug that sucker in and let it perk away. 

If it's a tea totaling crowd, you can stop right there and just serve when hot. You'll be the hit of every office and church party from here on out - especially on cold winter days.

But if your intention is to really liven up the crowd, you need to add alcohol - and lot's of it. 

A bottle of dark rum along with an equal amount of brandy is good for starters.  A dash of Grand Marnier and cognac and even 
amaretto have been known to make it into many of my batches.  In the old days we used to throw in some kind of forgotten liqueur only obtained in Mexico. It was known to have aphrodisiac qualities.  It made for some very interesting parties. The FDA never did allow its import into the United States. 

Now, in my youth, I would often stuff a large tea ball with marijuana leaves, stems and seeds - letting it dangle in the brew for hours on end. I did not often share this final ingredient with all of 
the guests, which frequently included my parents. But my folks,
when present, were always hanging out in the kitchen filling one another's cup with the sacred punch and remarking on its rather addicting taste and mellowing afterglow.

When in his waning years, my father once remarked that he regretted not ever having tried pot. He had always wondered, he lamented aloud, what the fuss was all about. He was in his mid-eighties at the time.

I smiled, turning to my father and said, "Well, let me put your mind to rest about that one, dad."

Cheers and Happy Solstice.

To This Tale There Is No More

‘To This Tale There Is No More’

Noel Laflin

 12-3-14

September 1978

There was the usual pre-grumbling as staff quarter assignments were about to be announced.  Since the summer season was now officially over and the last of the campers and staff had departed for all points down the hill, it was time to house those staying over for the winter. The old ranger was prepared for the haranguing he’d be in for and was ready to compromise when necessary. It had been going on for years now.  It was always a tough job keeping this lot happy. But here he was – one more time.

“If I can have your attention please,” the man in the khaki shorts, red jacket, long green socks, dark leather boots and brown Smokey-the-Bear hat shouted - trying to be heard over the racket in the old tin-roofed mess hall.

“Bible folks, you’ll be sharing staff cabins one, two and three again this year.  Adam, Eve, Sampson and Delilah – cabin one.  Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego are in cabin two. Daniel, Satan, Noah and Salome – cabin three.”

“Oh, hell,” moaned Satan, just once I’d like a place of my own.”

“Quit being such a whiner,” replied the old man, “or you’re bunking with the lions.  Can we please get on with things now?”

Satan sulked a bit, but held his tongue.  Noah and Daniel were not known to be big partiers, but that dancing girl might liven things up a bit, he thought.

“OK, in cabin four I’ve got Sam McGee, Fabersham, the sleeping farm boy and John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.”

“I can sleep on a windy night,” the farmer boy interjected, smiling sheepishly.”

“Yeah, but we won’t,” responded the frozen 49’er from Lake Labarge,” You snore something awful.”

“Hey, maybe McGee could swap with the ark builder,” Satan suggested.  I can keep those fires going that he’s been missing so much – it’ll be just like your old barge.  What say you, you old cold stiff?”

“Sam, Noah - you want to make the swap?” the man with the clipboard asked.

“Sounds like a plan,” said Sam. “I ain’t been warm since I left my home in Plumtree, Tennessee!”

“I’ve got quite a menagerie I’ll be bringing along with me, if that’s okay with you,” said Noah.

“Fine, fine,” said the man in charge.  “Moving along now, we’ve got Mazooki, Gorum, Motorcycle Bill and Johnny Verbeck in cabin five.”

“I prefer my cave, if it’s all the same to you,” hissed Mazooki.”

“And, I’d be more comfortable up on Gorgonio,” said the giant.”

“I’d kinda like the cook’s trailer back,” the drunken biker slurred.

“Well, that’s just tough,” said the old man.  “You’re all staying close in case of an impromptu campfire some weekend.  What kind of an emcee would I be if your story came up and you were nowhere to be found, huh?  And, Bill, the bike and Lloyds' back bar are off limits.  Comprendo?”

The old dead cook got to unsteady feet and headed for the kitchen.  He’d hidden a bottle back there somewhere in ’69 and he was going to track it down one way or another.

“I miss my cave,” Mazooki lamented.  “Got me some tender young bones buried back there.”

“I’ll make you some fine sausages, my friend,” said the old Dutchman, trying to calm things down.  “Soon as the wife gets back we'll give that old crank a yank.”

Mazooki nodded his assent and the meeting moved on.

“Okay, I’ve got the football player, cook, sports announcer and Little Red staying in cabin six,” the man in the mess hall announced.  We good there, TV folks?”

There was no response from the group as they had already made the move and were busily installing a new antenna on cabin six.

“Right.  Well, that leaves cabin seven.”  The old ranger flipped a page and found what he was looking for.

“So, in cabin seven we’ve got the keen-and-bright paddling guy, an Indian maiden, Auki-Aukie Oomba, and the walrus.”

“I am the walrus,” crooned the fat mass in the corner hording a large bowl of stinky fish - flipping several into his mouth and hoping for a laugh.

 

“But seriously,” the big guy with the giant whiskers continued, “tell Auki to leave the spear outside this year, OK? And quit aiming that gun at me all the time too, Ranger Rick.  It gets on my nerves.”

“Deal,” said the Eskimo boy.  But the kayak stays.”

The man in charge hefted an imaginary blunderbuss, crouched into position and aimed it at the walrus.  The big guy in the corner gave him the flipper. The camp director smiled and resumed to the business at hand.

“Alright, if that’s settled, let’s move on, shall we?”

“In cabin nine – I’ve got Luigi, Crazy U-kum-ber Conductor, Old Mother Leary and the drunk deacon.”

“First dibs on a bottom bunk,” shouted Luigi. “And maybe somebody can lend me a hand or two with the move?” he added.

“That crazy kraut has got to promise not to conduct at night,” insisted Old Mother Leary.

“Ya, dat fine,” responded the German.  “But tell dat old voman to turn off dat cursed lantern and take dat blasted cow outside too den!”

The deacon had no comment whatsoever as he’d already headed down to cabin nine’s cellar to pray.  As he’d taken his jug with him, he was expected to stay all day.

“Well, okie-dokie then,” said the ranger.  That concludes staff hill bunk assignments.  Any questions?”

Satan raised his hand.

“I haven’t seen Mr. ‘Rise and Shine’ Jesus for a while, boss.  What’s up with him anyway?  He’s been awfully closed-lipped lately - acting like he knows something that we don’t. Parading around like he owns the place or something.”

The old ranger said he didn’t know, but not to worry about it.

“He’ll show up again, I’m sure.”

The Gathering

The Gathering

Noel Laflin

11-29-14

The old man walked the woods from dawn till dusk - searching, scrapping, digging and collecting. He had trampled down forgotten trails and dusty back roads, covering a great deal of territory during those twelve hours. He had gotten lost on three occasions and sworn in quiet frustration at least a hundred times throughout his quest. But, he eventually found what he'd come looking for at every stop - not right away in each case, but eventually, yes.

As evening fell, he settled into a final resting spot and prepared a simple cold meal. He leaned against a large, familiar looking rock and drank from an ancient canteen, filled with ice cold spring water sampled earlier in the day. He was suddenly very tired. He closed his eyes and dreamed a bit - haunting, lucid visions. The old man heard whispered voices drawing closer. He awoke with a start and glanced about. The place was dark and silent. A blanket of stars had crept into place while he slept providing the only light. It was enough. It's time, he thought.

He took a small trowel from his backpack - the one that had served him so well throughout the day - and began to dig at a darkened spot not far from where he'd dosed. Within a minute, he struck pay dirt. He smiled as he lifted fine shards of dark charred wood from the shallow hole and placed them in a much worn leather pouch. The man set the trowel down and weighed the bag reverently as he gave it a gentle squeeze. He could feel the crunch of brittle wood remains from nine very recent excavations.  He set it aside as he made the final preparations.

He hefted eight blackened rocks from the well-worn backpack - these also claimed at each site visited today while digging for ashes of fires past – some were minor, lonely places long gone from any map. Major points of the compass had been covered in his wanderings - all boundaries of the land had been accounted for in his methodical scavenging of former gathering spots; the sites of storytelling and songs, tall tales and fellowship long forgotten by many. But the old man remembered.

He laid, by the aid of starlight, the eight fire-christened rocks in a circle atop the darkened ground.  His gaze then fell upon a large, rough, blackened stone a few feet away from where he squatted. Perfect he thought, as he reached and lugged it into place it with the others - completing the ring.

The old man scooped together dried pine needles and kindling, laying it within the small makeshift fire ring. He raised himself stiffly and walked beneath the old familiar trees gathering an armful of dried branches. He tilted them carefully atop the kindling, teepee-style. Eyeing his surroundings, he began to brush away the immediate area about the ring, sweeping it clean of unwanted fuel.

He brushed the dust from his hands and reached into the old backpack one more time, bringing forth a small box of wooden matches. He struck one against the fine sandpaper and watched it flame to life. Shielding it carefully he laid it at the base of the small wooden structure and watched as the flame greedily sought out the dried tinder.  The fire took hold within seconds.

As the twigs and larger branches caught on, small sparks wafted into the air. The old man watched them lift, float briefly and die away; he took note that the area was still suitable for a fire, even now. After all, it had been host to thousands of campfires long ago. It had always been a safe, comfortable ravine.

He gazed at the hillside immediately in front of him – a gentle slope where many had once sat, week in and week out – year in and year out – decades upon decades ago. There used to be logs terraced there, he mused- good seats. But no more. They have all rotted or been called away for other uses he thought.  It's all right he reasoned - my guests tonight, should they decide to show, will not need the seating.

With that thought in mind, the former Scout reached for the much-worn leather pouch containing the soft, charred wood of communions past – delicate touchstones of nine sacred sites - and untied the rawhide laces.

He gently shook the blackened pieces – created in his youth - into a hand now spotted, scarred, and weathered with age. The old fellow stiffly rose and cupped his hands above the fire. The warmth of the flames gave comfort to arthritic fingers.  He shot a glance heavenward and closed his eyes in silent supplication. He opened his hands and let the memories of so long ago fall into the fire.

The forest sighed and stirred; a sudden wind could be heard rushing down the mountain, filling the ravine with scents of alpines high and far away. The stars above moved in closer for a better look. A multitude of faintly glowing eyes peered curiously from behind fir and cedar - rock, pine and ancient oak. Ghostly figures stepped cautiously into the clearing – like legends freshly loosened from a forgotten tale or beloved, longed-for melodies set free once more.

Like moths drawn to a flame.

The old man opened his eyes and smiled. 

Candle Power

Candle Power

Noel Laflin

October 24, 2000

It has been an autumn of prayers and candles.  I don’t quite recall, in recent memory, when so many loved ones have been this ill.  I have become well stocked with candles.  I have whispered a litany of prayers.

      

My father’s candle is centered on my old wooden dining room table, where I am writing at this moment, watching my daughter sleeping peacefully upon the couch.  Its early morning, still dark outside and the candles are lit.  Here at this table, where so many good meals have been enjoyed, domino tournaments played out till the wee hours of the night and  quiet conversations over strong cups of  coffee have been held, I enshrine my small votive with smooth river stones.  Stones from sacred places I have visited, some time and again like the Virgin River in Zion, or the edge of the North Rim of the Grand Canyon and the coastline of Big Sur.  There are even stones from the banks of the Zambezi in Africa.  All hallowed places to me.  They sit guard around this candle since my father’s fall earlier this month and subsequent stay in the hospital and nursing facility.  My prayer is for his recovery of limbs, remembering how to stand and walk once more.  Other prayers are for the pneumonia and high fevers to dissipate, his sense of balance to return, his memory not to wander as it has recently.  The flame within the rocks toys with me as it flickers high and low, mimicking my spirits these past three weeks.  I like to be near this candle.

I have lit candles for friends and family throughout the years in this home of mine.  Many no longer burn on a nightly basis, but at special remembered times and anniversaries.  Some do not stay alight for long, such as the one for a friend’s father, which only burned for a week, and then was put away upon his death. The candle for Buddy, the cat, flickered for just a few minutes before drowning itself in soft wax.  I quickly replaced it, feeling guilty for the sputtering flame, which was no more.  But Buddy died that night, nonetheless.  My token ritual was not enough.

 

There are some nights, as I walk about the room, extending the flame to each wick, when I stop and panic. 

“Who have I forgotten?” I wonder.  A name, a face escapes me momentarily.  I recite the litany of names, I count on my fingers.  “Ah, yes, OK.  All accounted for.” I proceed about my nightly chores feeling like the forgetful village lamplighter of years gone past.

 

It has gotten to the point where I need one more candle to stand in quiet vigil for all of the others currently touched by pain and illness - the never-ending list is discouraging.  This candle sits near the front door to my home, greeting visitors and friends with its fragrant scent and deep red color.

I don’t want my home to be a shrine dedicated only to the ill.  I love candles when they fill the room with soft, romantic shadows on the wall or blaze with the anticipation of Christmas or the Winter Solstice. Sometimes I just like a candle for company to help me through the lonely nights and dark early mornings.  But the wicks are aflame for other purposes lately.  And whispered prayers to the many names for God linger in the room as I light another and another and yet another.

           

           

.

Just Dropping In

Just Dropping In

Noel Laflin

11-18-14

The small plane swooped in out of the cloudless blue sky and began to circle our patch of the flat dry lake bed, like a red-tailed hawk making a slow decent.

Three of us standing next to the van could clearly see the pilot and his passenger, a woman, as they circled ever lower.  She was waving gaily.  We waved back.

The forth member of our group, Steve, was struggling to regain control of both his trousers and his dignity.  He had ventured out just moments before, camp shovel in one hand – a roll of toilet paper in the other – heading off to a partially sheltered stand of tumbleweeds.  There wasn’t a porta-potty in sight for miles – so he was making do.  The unexpected appearance of the small Cessna interrupted his mission.  We could see him struggling behind the bushes.  All that was needed now was a stiff breeze sending the roly-poly plants tumbling down the lane, and making Steve’s embarrassment complete.

‘Who would have thought,’ he must have been thinking bitterly, (struggling with his belt at this point) ‘that this could occur on a dry lake bed, two miles off of a two-bit highway, in the middle of freaking nowhere!’

But such are the twists of fate in the unpredictable Nevada desert and the wild blue yonder above.

Four of us had departed for these parts just the night before.  We made late camp on the majestic sand dunes of Death Valley around one in the morning, but stayed awake most of the night watching a most spectacular shooting star production.  Come morning, we traveled on to Scotty’s Castle and then continued east on highway 267, crossing into Nevada a short time later.  One of several massive dry lake beds north of the two-lane road beckoned.  There was a stand of tall hills some miles away.  It looked both inviting and isolated this fine March day.  We were heading that way across the massive, beautiful dry lake bed when Steve felt the call of nature.  As there was not another vehicle in sight for ten miles, he felt it was a fine place to stop.  We had not planned on company coming in from above, however.

Well, that little plane circled low and wide one last time before making its final approach.  The lake bed was as smooth as hardened cement.  The wheels, once touched down, raised little dust.  The one-prop job braked gently and came to rest just yards from us.

The doors opened and a man and a woman stepped out, stretched a moment and then headed to a small compartment door near the rear of the plane.  Two pieces of equipment were taken out and quickly assembled.  The end product was a small motorized bike.  The man straddled the seat and turned the small engine over.  It purred.  The woman slipped in behind the pilot and they were soon gone, heading across the vast, empty lake bed, California bound.  Not a word had been exchanged between either party – theirs or ours.

It was kind of a Twilight Zone moment. 

We made camp and were just starting dinner when the faint purr of their bike, echoing ever so slightly off of the hills behind us, caught our attention.  Like a wavering mirage, they grew closer and closer until parked beside the plane once more.

The bike was disassembled just as quickly as it had been put together and re-loaded back into the plane’s back compartment.

Curiosity finally got the better of us of course, so we approached with questions.  They were delighted to answer.

They were husband and wife and lived in the San Francisco Bay area.

They thought that it would be nice to visit Scotty’s Castle today, so they decided to make an afternoon of it, hop in the plane and find a nice place to land not too far from their objective.  This lake bed was too good to pass up.

They had dinner reservations with friends back in the city tonight so were in need of departure.

They wished us a good evening, climbed back aboard their craft and started up. 

As they turned the plane into the wind, and revved the engine a bit before their take off, the woman cracked open the door and tossed a brown paper bag our way, waved, and closed the door.  The small craft was soon speeding down the old lake bed and lifting ever so gently into the air.  They circled back, coming in low once more and tipped the wing.  It then headed northeast.

We had near forgotten about the package.  Steve opened it and smiled. 

He reached inside and brought forth a pop-up umbrella.  It bore the image of Scotty’s Castle – obviously a very recent gift shop purchase

Attached to it was a small note which read, “Sorry for the interruption earlier today. May this small gift help protect you from future overhead intrusions.  You never know when we might just drop in again - unannounced as it were.”

Image - Stage Left

         Image - Stage Left

    Noel Laflin

      Nov. 16, 2014

The 1963 Lincoln Elementary School annual Christmas program is but minutes away and I have a very bad feeling about it.

The pageant, “Merry Christmas Thoughts,” co-written and directed by our fifth grade teacher, Dorothy Philipian, involves multiple grade choirs, sixteen poorly trained dancers, tone-deaf bell ringers, a nerdy narrated nod to Hanukkah by a nice Gentile boy aptly named Noel, two finger-cymbal novices and a covey of badly balanced tambourine players tripping about the poorly trained dancers. None of this is bothersome to me in the least. What does concern me, however, is the opening performance kicking off the festivities.  It's basically a morality play - of which I am a part; an old fashion, down to earth tale of a bad boy becoming good.

Mrs. Philipian has chosen me to play bad boy, Bobby - again, not a stretch for this ten-year-old drama queen.  However, what does scare the holy bejesus out of me is that in her philanthropic view of irony, she has chosen the school’s real bad boy, Robin, to play the good boy, Jim.

And I am not alone in my fear.

You see, Robin is as mad as hell over this demotion in character. He swears on a stack of Playboy Magazines that he has been miscast, slandered, and damn near humiliated for even being considered for this role. He laments, to no avail, that he will never be able to show his face again should he be forced into the role of the good boy.

"Image is everything," he wails.

But Mrs. Phlipian is not deterred. She is not moved. She proclaims that there is good in all of her students. And as it's nearly Christmas - not to mention that this is HER script- Robin acquiesces.  But I have this nagging feeling that he will ultimately be getting in the last word.

Despite our premonitions, Happy, the Elf and I take our roles seriously and learn our lines.  Robin does not.  In fact, the boy never takes too much of anything seriously, unless it involves sneaking a smoke behind the bushes, beating the tar out of someone, or telling a dirty joke.  But he can accomplish any three of these activities with the greatest of charm.  I know this first hand as he has become my friend over the years.  It's an unlikely friendship, as we are so very opposite and he is a year older than me - maybe two, as I am not certain whether he's ever been held back a grade.  But for some reason he takes me under his wing, imparts another dirty joke that I pretend to understand and laugh over, gives me a friendly knuckle knock to the head and never once beats me up.  For all of this I am filled with a bit of hero worship as well as gratitude for being liked by the baddest boy at Lincoln School.

But suddenly here it is, the second Thursday in December - our own little D-Day. The production is to begin at seven in the evening and I am sweating more and more profusely as the long hand on the old clock behind the stage ticks away my life.

By six-thirty, the back stage is rapidly filling with teachers and children of all ages.  Happy, the Elf and I are nervously pacing and muttering lines.  Robin is nowhere in sight.

With a full house of parents and siblings on the other side of the cheap red curtains eagerly awaiting the production - and with but mere minutes to go - Robin finally shows; the acrid-sweet scent of a recently pilfered Pall Mall still strong upon his breath. Happy, the Elf and I exchange sorrowful glances.  We are hoping for a forfeit, thus avoiding having to take the field altogether.  The elf and I share a strange telepathic moment; a single word coming through loud and clear – ‘FIASCO’.

The principal, a very tall man, strides dutifully to the center of the stage, bends slightly to first tap and then speak into the standing microphone. He greets one and all.  Without missing so much as a single beat he then dovetails into premature praise for the authors of the play and the outstanding cast of students who have worked so diligently to make this a most memorable evening for young and old alike.

Mrs. Philpian beams as she waltzes forth to take the microphone in order to set the opening scene. As that is our cue, Happy, the Elf and I step forward and begin our dialogue. My character is full of negativity of course.  Happy, on the other hand, is ... just that.  But it's clear that it's going to take a good boy in order to turn Bobby-The-Bad around - an elf, no matter how happy, isn't  up to the job. Mrs. Philipian's script sees to that.

And then it is nearly time for Robin to make his appearance.  Miss Happy  leaves the stage at this point, so there I am, all alone with nothing more than a thousand eyes cast my way - all awaiting conflict, turmoil and ultimately a good old fashioned ending.

I say my line that is to be Robin’s cue and wait for him to join me center stage.

No Robin.

I repeat my line and wait some more, all the while glancing hopelessly stage left and then stage right and then to Mrs. Philipian, standing off to the side steps ready to prompt a line at a moment's notice. She simply looks at me and shrugs.

And then,  miracle of miracles, here comes Robin entering from stage right!

Sauntering ever so causally across the platform Robin flashes a confident, brilliant smile to the audience. Some of his six grade cronies, scattered throughout the crowd, howl with delight.

He approaches me, hand extended, and draws me in close. 

“This isn’t in the script,” I whisper.

Robin whispers back, "I'll never be a good boy."

And with that he continues his brief walk of fame, soon exiting stage left and out the back door of the auditorium - image fully intact.